Nic & Melissa of SAYFTEE got the chance to interview Kimberly Zieselman, author of XOXY and the Executive Director of InterAct.
“Meet Kimberly, a regular suburban housewife and mother, whose discovery later in life that she was born intersex fuelled her to become an international human rights defender and globally-recognized activist. Charting her intersex discovery and her journey to self-acceptance, this book movingly portrays how being intersex impacted Kimberly's personal and family life, as well as her career. From uncovering a secret that was intentionally kept from her, to coming out to her family and friends and fighting for intersex rights, her candid and empowering story helps breakdown barriers and misconceptions of intersex people and brings to light the trauma and harmful impact medical intervention continues to have on the intersex community.” – Taken from back cover of XOXY: a memoir.
NIC & MELISSA: We both recently read your book and could not put it down. The way you crafted your story was filled with insight, humility, authenticity and love. While we were reading your book, quite literally, the news came out that Boston Children’s Hospital will stop performing clitoral and vaginal surgeries on intersex infants. This is the second hospital to make this statement in the last 3 months. InterAct staff and intersex advocates including yourself have been working tirelessly over the years to make these changes happen. How do you feel about your home city's Children's hospital taking this first step toward change?
KIMBERLY: Not only is BCH in my home state, but I served as Director of Government Relations there for several years earlier in my career. While a BCH employee I was completely unaware of intersex in general and had not yet learned the truth about myself and what was done to me. BCH is looked to around the world as a leader in pediatric care so their making a decision to stop doing some of the most invasive genital surgeries on young patients will likely have an impact on other institution’s practices as well.
NIC & MELISSA: As you know, SAYFTEE is a practice offering mental health counseling to individuals and families. In your book, you mention the physical and emotional trauma of being intersex in our society. What is most important for therapists working with intersex people to understand?
KIMBERLY: This is such a big important question, but I will at least highlight a couple of points I think are important. The intersex community desperately needs more intersex affirming and knowledgeable mental health professionals. First, important to understand that many intersex people have experienced some level of trauma related to the medical experiences, so trauma informed care is critical. Second, understand that intersex is a broad umbrella term that applies to a wide range of bodily differences and experiences. Finally, being sensitive and intentional about language is really important. For example, many people who are by definition intersex do not adopt the label for themselves. They may prefer to identify with their specific medical diagnosis (such as ‘a person with androgen insensitivity syndrome’) or as someone with a “difference of sex development. It’s important to ask them how they identify or refer to themselves.
NIC & MELISSA: Your story highlights the transformation that can come from being open and transparent about identity as well as the shame and stigma that are the consequences of secrets. What helped you work through your own shame and stigma?
KIMBERLY: First and foremost, peer support! Connecting with other people with similar bodies and experiences was hands down the single most important and healing thing I did for myself. Realizing you are not alone and hearing another human being communicating the same thoughts and feelings you yourself have had is an enormously powerful thing. I first found other intersex people by connecting online through the AIS-DSD Support Group. Second, I was fortunate enough to already have a wonderful mental health counselor in my life so when I discovered the truth in my medical records (at age 41) I was able to bring this new information to her and together we got more educated about intersex.
NIC & MELISSA: You talked about being raised in New England and having been impacted by family and cultural norms that created your “inner good girl.” How has your relationship to the “good girl” part of you changed as you have navigated this journey?
KIMBERLY: Discovering my intersex status was actually very empowering and ultimately made me a braver and more confident person. I think that in turn allowed me to question many things in a way I had never been able to do before. This included of course the medical interventions I received as a child and the lies I had been told about my own body and procedures done to me. The “activist” inside of me was awakened and I was no longer as concerned about pleasing everyone else.
NIC & MELISSA: You mention a deeper sense or intuition that something about you was different from your peers, and the burden this created as parts of you believed being different made you wrong or a “freak”. How has knowing more of your history/truth shifted these beliefs?
KIMBERLY: I think once I learned the truth about my medical history and then connect with others who had similar experiences it was that peer connection that primarily helped me to shed those beliefs. Then, the more I talked about it and successfully disclosed to other people in my life, I was able to become more accepting of myself.
NIC & MELISSA: We were impressed by your awareness of the part of you that dissociated in response to big feelings. It seemed this had been something you experienced for much of your life, which then began to shift after learning you are intersex. Can you say more about this process, and how you understood that they were connected?
KIMBERLY: My therapist as the one to eventually help me understand that I had been dissociating. It was something I grew to understand overtime with her guidance. Interestingly, as I began writing XOXY that process helped it to become even clearer and I think I can accept and understand it now even more fully than I was able to before.
NIC & MELISSA: Now that you have been immersed in activism for so many years, what advice would you give a young activist just starting out?
KIMBERLY: Surround yourself with people who support you and your cause. Accept help. Pace yourself. Take the time to reflect and realize the impact you are making even in small ways. Ideally find a mentor or trusted person to listen to you when you need to vent, talk, cry, or brainstorm. Activism is hard, often emotional and sometimes thankless work. Embrace self-care, whatever that means for you.