Is Gender a Part? Gender Identity through an IFS Lens

My name is Nic Wildes (they/them) and I am Co-Director of SAYFTEE and a Certified IFS therapist and consultant. 

In my ongoing quest to increase gender competence in the IFS community, I recently had the opportunity to be a guest on Tammy Sollenberger’s The One Inside Podcast to talk about my experience with gender identity and Internal Family Systems. I’d love for you to take a listen at the link below, and if IFS is new to you, you may find this blog post a helpful precursor to the podcast. Thanks for being here and I hope this is helpful!

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IFS (Internal Family Systems) is a therapeutic approach to coping and healing that SAYFTEE endorses and utilizes. 

It posits the following:

• Multiplicity of the mind is normal

• “Parts” refer to thoughts/feelings/physical sensations/images and can enact behavior

• Parts are in-service of protection and are not pathological (e.g. anger is an emotion we want to get to know, anxiety as a purpose we want to get curious about, depression has information about our environment that may need validation and support, etc.)

• Parts carry burdens as a result of harm that has happened and not been healed

• Healing is the capacity to welcome “all” parts from a grounded and open hearted place

• We all have a core “Self” that is undamaged and capable of facilitating healing

• People are capable of reducing depression and anxiety, as well as using anger in healthy ways, when they can learn how to be in-relationship to parts and unburden the harm that has happened

• “Interventions” that can help unburdening, include curiosity, compassion, connection, courage, clarity, creativity, calm, and confidence

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How does IFS provide a framework for gender exploration?

I began asking this question when I entered into the IFS community in 2015. I was interested in how a gender affirming stance would intersect with the IFS concepts of parts and Self. Intuitively calling gender identity a part did not feel accurate to my personal experience as my gender feels much more central to my core Self. By exploring this idea further in my personal work, my clinical work, with peers and colleagues, I began to hear others experience their gender in the same way. What seemed to emerge was that gender identity is a core aspect of Self, and parts then organize around this. Depending on one’s assigned sex at birth, family, culture and socialization parts internalize messages about what it means to be a particular gender. This can then lead to burdens, biases and beliefs that impact how one expresses or shares their experience of gender. Using IFS, one can begin to develop relationships with the parts carrying these beliefs and with compassion offer them a path toward more freedom to embrace their most authentic Self.

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Enjoy the podcast, and feel free to reach out to me with feedback - nic@sayftee.com

Is Gender a Part? Podcast 

Gender Meditation

Check out the IFS-Institute if you’d like to learn more, and/or talk with your therapist if you think you could benefit from IFS.

SAYFTEE's XOXY: A Memoir Q&A

Nic & Melissa of SAYFTEE got the chance to interview Kimberly Zieselman, author of XOXY and the Executive Director of InterAct.

“Meet Kimberly, a regular suburban housewife and mother, whose discovery later in life that she was born intersex fuelled her to become an international human rights defender and globally-recognized activist. Charting her intersex discovery and her journey to self-acceptance, this book movingly portrays how being intersex impacted Kimberly's personal and family life, as well as her career. From uncovering a secret that was intentionally kept from her, to coming out to her family and friends and fighting for intersex rights, her candid and empowering story helps breakdown barriers and misconceptions of intersex people and brings to light the trauma and harmful impact medical intervention continues to have on the intersex community.” – Taken from back cover of XOXY: a memoir.

NIC & MELISSA: We both recently read your book and could not put it down.  The way you crafted your story was filled with insight, humility, authenticity and love.  While we were reading your book, quite literally, the news came out that Boston Children’s Hospital will stop performing clitoral and vaginal surgeries on intersex infants. This is the second  hospital to make this statement in the last 3 months. InterAct staff and intersex advocates including yourself have been working tirelessly over the years to make these changes happen.  How do you feel about your home city's Children's hospital taking this first step toward change?

KIMBERLY: Not only is BCH in my home state, but I served as Director of Government Relations there for several years earlier in my career. While a BCH employee I was completely unaware of intersex in general and had not yet learned the truth about myself and what was done to me.  BCH is looked to around the world as a leader in pediatric care so their making a decision to stop doing some of the most invasive genital surgeries on young patients will likely have an impact on other institution’s practices as well.

NIC & MELISSA: As you know, SAYFTEE is a practice offering mental health counseling to individuals and families. In your book, you mention the physical and emotional trauma of being intersex in our society. What is most important for therapists working with intersex people to understand? 

KIMBERLY: This is such a big important question, but I will at least highlight a couple of points I think are important. The intersex community desperately needs more intersex affirming and knowledgeable mental health professionals. First, important to understand that many intersex people have experienced some level of trauma related to the medical experiences, so trauma informed care is critical. Second, understand that intersex is a broad umbrella term that applies to a wide range of bodily differences and experiences. Finally, being sensitive and intentional about language is really important. For example, many people who are by definition intersex do not adopt the label for themselves. They may prefer to identify with their specific medical diagnosis (such as ‘a person with androgen insensitivity syndrome’) or as someone with a “difference of sex development.  It’s important to ask them how they identify or refer to themselves.  

NIC & MELISSA: Your story highlights the transformation that can come from being open and transparent about identity as well as the shame and stigma that are the consequences of secrets. What helped you work through your own shame and stigma? 

KIMBERLY: First and foremost, peer support! Connecting with other people with similar bodies and experiences was hands down the single most important and healing thing I did for myself. Realizing you are not alone and hearing another human being communicating the same thoughts and feelings you yourself have had is an enormously powerful thing. I first found other intersex people by connecting online through the AIS-DSD Support Group.  Second, I was fortunate enough to already have a wonderful mental health counselor in my life so when I discovered the truth in my medical records (at age 41) I was able to bring this new information to her and together we got more educated about intersex.

NIC & MELISSA: You talked about being raised in New England and having been impacted by family and cultural norms that created your “inner good girl.” How has your relationship to the “good girl” part of you changed as you have navigated this journey?

KIMBERLY: Discovering my intersex status was actually very empowering and ultimately made me a braver and more confident person. I think that in turn allowed me to question many things in a way I had never been able to do before. This included of course the medical interventions I received as a child and the lies I had been told about my own body and procedures done to me. The “activist” inside of me was awakened and I was no longer as concerned about pleasing everyone else.

NIC & MELISSA: You mention a deeper sense or intuition that something about you was different from your peers, and the burden this created as parts of you believed being different made you wrong or a “freak”. How has knowing more of your history/truth shifted these beliefs?

KIMBERLY: I think once I learned the truth about my medical history and then connect with others who had similar experiences it was that peer connection that primarily helped me to shed those beliefs. Then, the more I talked about it and successfully disclosed to other people in my life, I was able to become more accepting of myself. 

NIC & MELISSA: We were impressed by your awareness of the part of you that dissociated in response to big feelings. It seemed this had been something you experienced for much of your life, which then began to shift after learning you are intersex. Can you say more about this process, and how you understood that they were connected?

KIMBERLY: My therapist as the one to eventually help me understand that I had been dissociating. It was something I grew to understand overtime with her guidance. Interestingly, as I began writing XOXY that process helped it to become even clearer and I think I can accept and understand it now even more fully than I was able to before.

NIC & MELISSA: Now that you have been immersed in activism for so many years, what advice would you give a young activist just starting out?

KIMBERLY: Surround yourself with people who support you and your cause. Accept help. Pace yourself. Take the time to reflect and realize the impact you are making even in small ways. Ideally find a mentor or trusted person to listen to you when you need to vent, talk, cry, or brainstorm. Activism is hard, often emotional and sometimes thankless work. Embrace self-care, whatever that means for you.

Creating Space for Hope: Positive Affirmations for Negative Times

by Helen Staab

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Artwork by Molly Costello

Positive affirmations are a tool used to counter negative or unhelpful thought patterns. Having a predetermined phrase on reserve for when the negative thoughts pop up has proved helpful for many people. Sometimes, though, we might find ourselves living through a period when positive affirmations feel trite, or downright untrue. We have all been living through an extended period of crisis for the past nine months. The demand for our productivity has remained the same while our access to the communities and activities that sustain us becomes more limited. Place on top of that the current election season and all of the pain and uncertainty it holds, and it can feel as though we are not left with much to work with. 

Negative thoughts can feel like the truth when we are surrounded by hopelessness. We are fighting for our own survival and to defend the lives of those around us; we need more than “it gets better” or “everything will be okay.” After the 2016 election I found myself collecting phrases that still felt true even knowing that we were likely facing a long dark time. The fact is that even though it can feel dangerous to hope, it is even more dangerous to lose hope. It is important to hold onto the small reassurances that sustain us. The affirmations below are ones that I have collected and tested out over the past four years.

It’s Okay to be Not Okay

When things get tough, a common reaction in American society is to cling to our idea of normalcy. Normalcy to us is often rooted in our ability to be “functional” and “productive.” We are often not particularly forgiving of ourselves or each other when we don’t meet this standard. Unlearning these values, many of which are rooted in ableism, can be a long journey. Building self compassion, even in the small form of telling ourselves that it’s okay to be struggling, is a good first step.

Finding Joy is Part of My Resistance 

Though this is certainly not a new concept, “joy as resistance” is a phrase I have heard more and more over the past four years. Grief and outrage at injustice can sometimes make us think that experiencing joy somehow betrays our sadness, or is unfair to others who are suffering. In reality our ability to be resilient and resist depends upon our finding joy in spite of tragedy. For more about this concept, check out Pleasure Activism: the Politics of Feeling Good by Adrienne Marie Brown.

There Will Be Better Days

Listen to Tomorrow on Spotify. Miner · Song · 2017.

This is one of my favorite phrases to use with clients because even at our least hopeful moments, we can usually believe that there will come a day that is better than this one. Not necessarily that everything will be better forever, but that there will be periods of time it will not be quite as bad as it is at this moment. Making the room for that possibility in our minds opens a small window for hope and lets in the potential for change.

They Can Cut All the Flowers But They Cannot Stop the Spring

This is a line by Chilean poet Pablo Neruda, originally written in Spanish: "Podrán cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera." Neruda, an active leftist and Communist, witnessed multiple regime changes and ideological shifts in Chile. This phrase has been used in multiple political movements against corruption and authoritarianism in government.

We Were Built for the Tough Times, Too

Queer resilience is woven into our beings and our communities. There is strength in our shared histories that we can draw upon; our individual gifts and knowledge combined create a force that can both protect us and propel us forward. This is not to say that our suffering is inevitable, but that our resistance is.